


A Day in Piccolo's Head

by Chronos_X



Series: Headcanons (2016-) [11]
Category: Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball GT, Dragon Ball Super, Dragon Ball Z
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everybody hates Nail, Hearing Voices, Kami is a Nosy Old Fart, Multiple Voices, Nail is a Closet Otaku, Namekians Commit Identity Theft, Nosy Neighbors, Piccolo Daimao is a Jerk, Piccolo Daimao is a low-key perv, Piccolo is Done with Everyone's S#$t, Piccolo's head is getting awfully crowded, noisy neighbors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:40:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23334763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chronos_X/pseuds/Chronos_X
Summary: Also available at https://www.deviantart.com/chronos-x/art/A-Day-in-Piccolo-s-Head-782259802.Dragon Ball Super: Twilight of Gods I - https://archiveofourown.org/series/1466320
Relationships: Kami & Piccolo (Dragon Ball), Kami & Piccolo Daimao, Kami/Piccolo Daimao, Nail & Piccolo (Dragon Ball), Nail/Piccolo (Dragon Ball), Piccolo & Piccolo Daimao, Piccolo/Piccolo (Dragon Ball)
Series: Headcanons (2016-) [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1635487
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	A Day in Piccolo's Head

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Un día en la mente de Piccolo](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28432080) by [Chronos_X](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chronos_X/pseuds/Chronos_X)
  * A translation of [Un día en la mente de Piccolo](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28432080) by [Chronos_X](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chronos_X/pseuds/Chronos_X). 



A Day in Piccolo's Head, by Chronos-X

Jan 22, 2019, 12:41:31 PM  
Literature / Fan Fiction / Humor

( _Somewhere within Piccolo's mind..._ ).  
  
King Piccolo ( _obnoxiously loud)_ : Junior! Oh, Junior! Where are you!?  
  
Piccolo ( _suffering from a splitting migraine, barely civil tone_ ): I'm here, Dad.  
  
KP ( _miffed_ ): I beg your pardon?  
  
Piccolo ( _sighs_ ): I'm here... Father. ( _Cringes like there's no tomorrow_ ).  
  
KP ( _pleased smile_ ): That's better. I just wanted to...  
  
Piccolo ( _stern_ ): If you want to invite me to yet another panty raid, the answer is the same as it always was and ever will be: Hell. Freaking. No.  
  
KP ( _wounded at his core_ ): Don't be like that, Junior...  
  
Piccolo ( _getting progressively annoyed_ ): It's Piccolo...  
  
KP ( _faux-weepy_ ): After I carried you for all those months and...  
  
Piccolo ( _seething rage_ ): Don't. Go. There.  
  
KP ( _normal tone_ ): Whatever. Wanna hang out?  
  
Piccolo ( _displeased_ ): Do I have a choice?  
  
KP ( _troll-faced_ ): None whatsoever.  
  
Piccolo ( _sighs_ ): Isn't _that_ the story of my life...  
  
( _Nail and Kami pop in_ ).  
  
Nail ( _carrying an open laptop_ ): Guys, you gotta see this! This Ebay stuff's amazing!  
  
Kami ( _unimpressed, drinks tea or something_ ): It's just a fad. It'll never catch on.  
  
KP ( _pours himself a glass of rum or some s@ &t_): Yeah, keep telling that to yourself, old fart.  
  
Nail ( _puts away laptop_ ): Also, I sent for ten thousand barrels of vintage Yugioh cards and... ( _Kami and KP spit-take all over each other's clothes_ ).  
  
Piccolo/Kami/KP ( _livid_ ): You did _WHAT_!?  
  
Nail ( _casual_ ): I put it on the Briefs' credit card. They won't even notice.  
  
Piccolo ( _outraged_ ): What the f#$k, Nail!? What the actual f#$k!?  
  
Nail: The hell's your problem, dude!? It's not like I spent _your_ money.  
  
Piccolo ( _hysteric_ ): I'll be utterly and completely screwed if Bulma and Vegeta find out! I-I could go to jail for tax evasion, identity theft, money laundering...  
  
Nail ( _nonchalant_ ): Jeez, chill the f#$k out, Tall-Green-Hermit-Who's-Never-Been-Laid! I used fake names and addresses; you're clear.  
  
Piccolo ( _one step away from a heart attack_ ): Not my point! There are things you just don't do, especially if they could get _me_ in trouble!  
  
Kami: It's always about _you_ , isn't it, Piccolo? Don't you ever think of anybody other than yourself?  
  
KP ( _rolls his eyes_ ): You're one to talk, Mr. I-Split-Up-My-Good-and-Evil-Sides-To-Take-Up-a-Cushy-Job-I-Completely-and-Absolutely-Sucked-At-and-Doomed-the-Entire-Freaking-World-as-a-Result!  
  
Kami ( _barely collected_ ): Come back and lecture me when you're done with your latest one-night stand, pervert!  
  
KP ( _laughs out loud_ ): What's this, freaking grade school? If you're gonna be all self-righteous and whatnot, the least you can do is come up with some halfway decent insults, you senile cucumber!  
  
Kami ( _unimpressed_ ): Whatever you say, Mr. I-Used-the-Dragon-Balls-to-Become-Young-and-Still-Lost-to-an-Eleven-Year-Old!  
  
KP ( _ditto_ ): Same to you, Mr. I-Used-Said-Kid-to-Do-My-Job-For-Me-'Cause-I-Suck-Great-Big-Dinosaur-Balls! ( _Piano walks by, utterly absorbed by whatever game he's playing in an old-timey Game Boy_ ). Uh, no offense, Piano.  
  
Piano ( _still absorbed_ ): None taken, Sire... ( _Leaves_ ).  
  
KP ( _momentarily lost_ ): Where was I going with this? Oh yeah... ( _To Kami_ ). At least I'm honest with myself!  
  
Kami: You break into peoples' houses to steal undergarments from poor, unsuspecting women. Surely you are a paradigm of purity and virtue.   
  
Piccolo: WILL THE TWO OF YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!?  
  
Kami ( _bitter_ ): Nobody listens to their elders anymore...  
  
KP ( _shoves Kami aside_ ): Yeah, yeah, sew it on a quilt, gramps. ( _To Nail_ ). So... any good draws?  
  
Nail ( _shows him five special cards, loudly screams à la Dan Green_ ): EXODIA, OBLITERATE!!! ( _Piccolo grinds his teeth in barely contained fury_ ).  
  
KP ( _snatches cards, condescending tone_ ): I think you mean... ( _Cl_ _ears throat, yells louder still_ ). "HELL FIRE'S FURY, EXODO FLAME!!!" ( _See above_ ).  
  
Nail ( _unamused, takes cards back_ ): The other one's more iconic...  
  
KP ( _laughs dismissively_ ): Iconic my ass! Those hacks at 4Kids couldn't dub their way into a sagging c...  
  
Piccolo ( _utterly aghast_ ): FATHER!!!  
  
KP ( _vexed_ ): Oh grow up, Junior! I swear, you're worse than Kami!  
  
Kami: I heard that!  
  
Piccolo ( _disgusted_ ): I'll take _him_ over you any day of the week...  
  
Kami ( _heart-warmed_ ): Piccolo...  
  
Nail: Hell, I'd take a full frontal lobotomy over you too!  
  
KP/Piccolo/Kami: NOBODY ASKED YOU! ( _Nail sulks in a corner somewhere_ ).  
  
KP ( _frowning, to Piccolo_ ): Why, my son? Why are you always so hostile towards me?  
  
Piccolo: Gee, I dunno. Maybe it's because you spat me out as an egg and left me to fend for myself in the wilderness...  
  
KP ( _defensive_ ): I was seconds away from death! I was desperate!  
  
Nail ( _to KP_ ): He's right, you know. You make Gohan's dad look halfway competent.  
  
Piccolo ( _mortally offended_ ): Excuse me?  
  
Nail ( _swallows hard_ ): The _other_ Gohan's dad.  
  
Piccolo ( _severe_ ): Long as we're clear.  
  
KP ( _spiteful_ ): Whatever. Don't wait up, nerds. ( _Slams door behind him_ ).  
  
Nail ( _relieved_ ): Thought he'd never leave. Now I can check up on those Demon King Kids figurines from Amazon.   
  
Kami: Which reminds me: Piccolo, have you seen my credit cards?  
  
Piccolo: No, I haven't.  
  
Kami: I can't seem to find them anywhere, and... ( _Puts two and two together_ ). Nail...  
  
Nail ( _chuckles uneasily_ ): It's cool, old-timer! I'll pay you back every single zenni, I swear!  
  
Kami ( _furiously tranquil_ ): That's what you said last month, when I loaned you five-hundred quid so you could make rent...  
  
Piccolo ( _confused, to himself_ ): Wait, the voices in my head pay rent?  
  
Nail ( _ignores Piccolo_ ): But I...  
  
Piccolo ( _dismayed_ ): That means... I've been missing out on so much revenue!  
  
Kami: ...and the week before last, when you used my last two-hundred euros for that Emperor Pilaf bubble-head doll you just _had_ to have.  
  
Piccolo ( _horrified, aloud_ ): I could've been living it up in Boca, Vegas, anywhere other than the damn forest or that boring lookout!  
  
Nail ( _to Kami_ ): Here's an idea: why don't you put all that on my tab and I'll repay you later?  
  
Kami ( _face twitching with rage_ ): Here's a better one: why don't you make like a banana and split before I shatter my staff all over your empty skull?  
  
Piccolo ( _grinding his teeth_ ): Here's an even better idea: why don't you two shut your traps till the twelfth of never?  
  
Nail ( _to Kami_ ): Banana split, really? ( _Bickering resumes; Piccolo face-palms, groans_ ).


End file.
